Lonesomevalley (lonesomevalley) wrote in fakediaries,

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Pre-Birthday Rambles

It's birthday month! In 2 weeks and 2 days, I'll be 25. Twenty freakin five. I never really thought I'd make it that far. I was shocked at 20. 25's just too long for anyone to ask. I guess when you spend 5 straight years wanting to die and off and on for a few years after that, life expectancy tends to drop.

I feel old. I definitely peaked around 21. I wrote like crazy, was in my best shape since... well, elementary school, probably. I lifted all sorts of stuff, got up without grunting, napped after a hard day's work, not after a long day of sittin around. Went where I wanted, did what I wanted and was just generally a young person.

I don't actually think I'm old. But then again, if life expectancy continues to rise, and barring any major health problems, I am at least 1/4 dead. And all my physical strains and laziness is probably due to the 20 odd pounds I've packed on in the last 4ish years. Or maybe it's a chicken and the egg kinda thing. Am I fat cause I'm old, or feel old cause I'm fat?

Part of me has always thought I never really had long. Never had health problems really. Not physical, anyway. Maybe it's because of the fog of depression and not wanting to go on so long, the idea that going for about 75 years seemed like too much to fathom, but I don't know. Just seems like 25 might be pushing it for me.

I have no special knowledge from God or real sense of the end nearing. It's just picturing me at 30. With, like, a house. And car payments. No kids, thank God. It is now, or soon will be, physically impossible. HAHA! Take that unborn burdens! Sorry, that was too far. I love kids. At least the ones related to me. But I'm pretty sure I should never be a parent. That could go on for a whole other update.

Anyway, 30's not old, either. It's just picturing me all grown up and mature. Granted, I'm married and employed and pay taxes and whatnot, and have developed the ability to not go insane at every one of life's little hick-ups, but I sure don't see myself in a tie-wearing scenario.

I've chilled out a lot since I was 20, so maybe it'll happen. But I kinda like where I am now. Able to deal with life and be semi-responsible (don't tell that to my wife, though), yet not given up on ideals, dreams and passions. Maybe my perspective of all that is a little skewed, or maybe I was just made to be weird in that kind of way. Sure hope so.

I know I'm meant to be a screenwriter, so that helps. We're the slobs of the entertainment industry. It would be shocking if I did wear a tie. I'll be living my dream (even though it'd be in California, at least some of the time.) I wouldn't be a college graduate. Could probably find a slick tax attorney to get me out of paying taxes (just kidding.)

But for all my desperation to be somewhat youthful, I definitely don't want to end up 64 with a pony tail and flip flops. That's worse than pants up to your nipples and less hair than a plucked chicken. I just want to be what I have been, only without the suicide and addiction.

On the other hand, I do have Alzheimer's. Or something. Seriously, I can't remember a flippin thing. Maybe that's because I have a dear wife who cheerfully reminds me of everything I'm supposed to do or said I was gonna do. But it's been a problem for a long time.

I guess the important thing is to stay in touch with God and be what He put me here to be. He keeps you from selling out your causes and dreams by admitting that there's a very good chance that you will be broke and possibly even dead because of them. And also admitting that such is by far not the worst that can happen to you. He keeps you young, keeps you from worrying. The only reason to worry is when you're not doing what He says.

I don't really think about the future cause I know I'll never get it exactly right. Anything can happen. I can get rich tomorrow and die Thursday. Or I can sell one screenplay, then become a tax attorney. I already have glasses. Reading glasses. 'Cause I'm old. Or I can beat out Tom Hanks as the number one box office draw. Whatever happens, I don't worry about it till it comes. And then I trust and try not to worry.

If I did die Thursday, I can't say I'd be sorely disappointed. I've had a good run, short as it actually is. I've failed God, walked next to Him, followed Him when it made the least sense and when there was no other choice.

I've plunged head long into God knew what for love, twice, and never regretted it. I traveled 4 hours, one way, every weekend for months for love. In a car. That uses gas. But I didn't have to pay for it, but I would have is the point. I got married, had a cat, bought a car.

I had a good family, hated em for awhile, then loved em after I moved out and still do. I've had good friends that I've loved and lost. Some I just lost touch with. Some I need to email when I finish this. But I still think about em and pray for em.

I found myself after a long time of searching. I am, more or less, who I want to be. I'm doing what I wanted do. I'm with who I want to be with. I go to a church I'm committed to. I sin less now than I probably ever have, not that that's saying much. I'm heading in the right direction. I even lived to see all the Star Wars movies. That, I was worried about.

If I died, I'd be sad to leave everyone behind. I couldn't care less what happens to me, but I'd die totally satisfied if I knew they'd all be alright. But until that day, I'll keep following where I'm supposed to go. I'll give some dirty looks to the right people along the way, and a hand up to those who need it.

At least I'm not looking to die, now. I think this is the right place to be. I don't want to die, but I'm not clinging to life for... well, dear life. God'll take me when He wants me. What am I gonna do? I want to stick around, but I'll throw my life away if I'm called to. Life's less stressed when you accept that it's not really yours anyway.

Hope I didn't depress anybody. I hope, instead, that everybody can learn a little something from this. Even if it's just to see all the Star Wars movies. Enjoy life and God bless!
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